I Am Sporticus

It is always a great day when the players remember that there are fans in the stadium and they actually do something about it. It is also a great day when an outfielder makes a spectacular catch and turns it into a double play. Now, if you toss into that a high-five and that the outfielder made the double play from the warning tracks, you get something spectacular. Thank you Manny Ramirez, Thank you.

Unfortunately, he was a defensive player. And this was his own goal.

Just when it seems like his opponent has beaten him off the dribble and is about to score an easy two, Tayshaun comes from nowhere to deny the basket. He is arguably the lankiest player in the NBA to date. He is currently listed at 6′9” and weighs merely 205 lbs. But as Prince has shown time and time again, size does not matter in the NBA . . . it’s speed and determination. This southpaw is not only explosive offensively, but he is a catalyst for the much feared Piston defense. He proved this last night as he pinned Hedo Turkoglu’s attempted dunk against the backboard in the closing minutes of game 5 . . . sealing the deal for the Pistons (then 3 - 1) in the best of 7 games series.
Here is a video of the play:

With all due respect to Turkoglu, the play should have been finished. However, it wasn’t Tayshaun’s speed or height that allowed him to recover . . . it was his wingspan. Although he is 6′9” his wingspan is listed at an amazing 7′2” wide. I feel embarrassed for Hedo in this play, but when you’re going against a guy with arms as long as those, it’s bound to happen sometime.

In the modern world of sports, the majority of fans stick to their roots of watching only what is broadcasted on ESPN, Sports Illustrated, or any other national station. Today, we will salute the sports that receive no attention and would belong on ESPN Ocho if it existed. I present to you the seven most vile, repulsive, yet entertaining sports in the world.

1. Bog Snorkeling:

Imagine swimming down a disgusting ditch of stale, muddy, and often contaminated water for over a football field for . . . glory. This has become an annual contest, but one more likely to end up in infection or a tapeworm before receiving any trophy.

The official rules:

Course Length:

The course consists of two lengths of a bog drain (one length for juniors). The total length of the course is 120 yards. The drain is approximately 4 feet wide and 5 feet deep.

Restrictions: Minimum age 12 years (only by consent of parent/guardian)You must be able to swim 100m or 75m for 12 to 15 year olds.
Please check with your doctor if you have any medical concerns.
What To Wear: You must provide your own equipment. We recommend that you wear a wetsuit, however normal swimwear, shorts and T-shirt will suffice. In addition you should bring a mask, snorkel and fins (flippers). A towel plus a change of clothes and a bag to store wet items is advisable. Basic changing facilities and makeshift cold water shower facilities will be available on site.
Fitness: You must be of a reasonable fitness level. If unsure of your fitness for this event please consult your doctor.
Participants must be able to swim for this water based activity.

2. Dwile Flonking

You get to stand in a circle with your buds and throw dwiles soaked in beer at your buds while wearing kilts! What could be better? Maybe the fact that the most sober team technically loses in this European competition.

The rules:

“The team which is not flonking holds hands and dances around in a circle - known as “girting”. A member of the opposing team stands in the middle of the circle holding a “driveller” (a pole 2-3 ft long and made from hazel or yew), on the end of which is a beer-soaked dwile. 

The flonker then turns in an anti-clockwise direction and flonks his dwile at the opposing circling team. 

If the dwile misses completely it is known as a “swadger”. When this happens the team forms a line and the flonker takes hold of a pot filled with ale. 

He then has to drink the contents of the pot before the wet dwile has passed from hand to hand along the line, chanting to the ancient ceremonial mantra of “pot pot pot”. 

The team with the highest number of points wins, after deducting one point for every player still sober.”

What does it look like in action?

3. Elephant Polo

Although Ralph Lauren would say otherwise, polo doesn’t have to be played on a horse. That should make for an interesting new logo for the clothing line. Anyways, the only thing more exciting than playing polo on an animal as big as a horse is playing it on an animal 10 times its size!

The official rules:

• The Game will be played by four players on each team. The game is played on a marked pitch of 100 metres by 70 metres, using a standard size polo ball.
• The game will consist of two 10 minutes chukkers of playing time, with an interval of 15 minutes. The whistle blown by the referee stops and starts play.
• The pitch will be marked with a centre line, a circle with a radius of 10 metres in the centre of the field, and a semi-circle, in front of the goals, with a radius of 20 metres, measured from the centre of the goal to form the D.
• Elephants and ends are changed at half time.
• The complete ball must travel over the sideline or back line, to be out, and completely across the goal line to be a goal.
• Both men and women players may play from either side of the elephant. Women may use two hands if they so wish but men must use only one hand, either the left or right hand.Care must be taken when changing sides of play, in order to avoid injury with the stick to other players, or elephants. When the Umpire/ Referee judge dangerous play has been committed, a spot hit shall be given to the opposing team. All defending elephants and players must be 15 metres from the spot.
• Teams may bring additional players, reserves, to interchange with other members of the team, as long as the number, names and arrangements have been agreed in advance by WEPA.Team members playing will be named the evening before a match.The changes, except in the case of injury where a replacement is needed, must be done at half-time when names will be given to the Referee, time-keepers/ commentators.

4. Wife Carrying

Many men complain about having to give their wife money, the credit card, access to Desperate Housewives during a Redskins game . . . but what if you had to carry her in another way? That’s right, wife carrying is actually a sport.

The official rules:

• The original track in the rough terrain with fences, rocks and brooks has been altered to suit modern conditions. These following rules set by the International Wife Carrying Competition Rules Committee apply:
• The length of the official track is 253.5 meters, and the surface of the track is partially sand, partially grass and partially gravel
• The track has two dry obstacles and a water obstacle, about one meter deep
• The wife to be carried may be your own, the neighbour’s or you may have found her farther afield; she must, however, be over 17 years of age
• The minimum weight of the wife to be carried is 49 kilograms. If she is less than 49 kg, the wife will be burdened with a rucksack containing additional weight such that the total load to be carried is no less than 49 kg.
• All participants must have fun
• If a contestant drops his wife that couple will be fined 15 seconds per drop
• The only equipment allowed is a belt worn by the carrier, the carried must wear a helmet.
• The contestants run the race two at a time, so each heat is a contest in itself
• Each contestant takes care of his/her safety and, if deemed necessary, insurance
• The contestants have to pay attention to the instructions given by the organisers of the competition
• There is only one category in the World Championships and the winner is the couple who completes the course in the shortest time
• Also the most entertaining couple, the best costume and the strongest carrier will be awarded a special prize

5. Noodlin’

Yes, there are many sports that would freak out the normal person . . . but nothing more than noodlin’. Normal people fish with rod, reels, hooks, bait, harpoons, or nets. These people fish with their hands. NOTHING IN THE WORLD CAN BE MORE EXHILARATING THAN STICKING YOUR ARM IN A HOLE AND WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO BITE . . . and hopefully it is a catfish.

The rules:

“Although the concept, catching fish with only the use of the arm in the water, is simple enough, the process of noodling is more complicated. The choice of catfish as the prey is not arbitrary, but comes from the circumstances of their habitat. Flathead catfish live in holes or under brush in rivers and lakes and thus are easy to capture due to the static nature of their dwelling. To begin, a noodler goes underwater to depths ranging from only a few feet to up to twenty feet, placing his hand inside a discovered catfish hole. If all goes as planned, the catfish will swim forward and latch onto the fisherman’s hand, usually as a defensive maneuver in order to try to escape the hole. If the fish is particularly large, the noodler can hook the head around its gills.
Most noodlers have spotters who help them bring the catfish in, either to shore or to their boat. When a catfish bites onto a noodler, it holds on for quite a while.
With some of the biggest fish caught weighing in at up to 50-60 pounds, very few noodlers are strong enough to attempt noodling by themselves. Although carrying the fish after they have been subdued is not difficult, trying to secure a fish and remove it from one’s hand at the same time can be a challenge.”

6. Lawn Mower Racing

Yes, the very machine you use to cut your grass can also be modified into racecar status. Could this potentially rival Nascar one day? Time can only tell, but these machines can fly.

The Rules

• Drivers must be members of the U.S. Lawn Mower Racing Association. Drivers must be 18 years of age. Drivers 16 and 17 years of age parental permission.
• All drivers must sign a release discharging the USLMRA from liability.
• The mower must originally have been designed and sold commercially to mow lawns.
• It must remain suitable for lawn cutting, apart from the modifications permitted in the Handbook
• Every mower entered in any USLMRA event must be approved for competition by Technical Inspection.
• Any mower may be re-inspected at any time by the Chief Steward or Chief Technical Inspector
• CUTTING BLADES MUST BE REMOVED COMPLETELY FROM ALL MOWERS.
• Non-stock mowers must be equipped with an automatic throttle closing device.
• All mowers must be equipped with an engine safety cut-off switch.
• Mower brakes must be in good condition, operating on at least 2 wheels.
• Fuel must be pump gas. The only additive allowed is STA-BIL Fuel Stabilizer.

7. Camel Wrestling

When you think of camels the last word you think of is aggression. Camels are meant to ride, live in the desert, be fed casserole by Napoleon Dynamite, store water, and chew things. However, an acient sport has found them useful as entertaining in wrestling. I present to you the WWCF (World Wrestling Camel Federation).

The Rules:

“Each camel wrestles with a tülü in its class. The camels wrestling from right are matched with the ones wrestling from the right, and left ones with left ones, the ones hooking with the ones hooking etc. The winner camel bring its four feet together and salutes the spectator with boasting. As a reward it gets its carpet and leaves the field. Defeated camel shows silence and embarrassment.
Each camel wrestles only once a day. The duration of the wrestling is about 10 to 15 minutes. The rules are set out in order to prevent reduction in number of wrestling camels and damage of them.
All of them are carried out within a disciplinary manner and traditionally. When wrestling is ended, the owners and the winner camels return home with proud and happiness while spectators are delighted of having an exciting day.
The camel wrestling usually held in winter months in Aegean region has become winter festivals of Aegean region.”

If you know about or come across any other bizarre sports in this world, please feel free to comment. However, I don’t think you’ll come across anything more strange than these.

So earlier today USC basketball superstar OJ Mayo denied ever receiving gifts from the university or supporters for playing in his one and only season at the school.

I call BS on this statement by just looking at the attitude of this young man.

First of all, Mayo had the nerve to call up Coach Tim Floyd and tell him “Coach, this is O. J. Mayo. I’d like to come to your school.” Now that is completely fine in this day and age, but he then responded “Don’t worry about recruiting [. . .] I’ll take care of it”. It was right then that OJ Mayo had a grip over the control of Floyd. Although critics will argue that “he was just trying to leave a mark” or “he still was a good kid”, I will respond with the actions of his last basketball game.

What kind of player does an off the backboard self alley-oop, catches the ball, slings it into the stands, and leaves his final game under an ejection? One that is showy, self indulged, and likes to be flashy.

Why would anyone believe that a player such as this wouldn’t accept $30,000 cash, flat screen tvs, cell phones, or airline tickets to see his extravagant lifestyle? After all, a player that went to a school to merely “better market himself” can’t do so without money. It had to come from somewhere and the monthly living stipends for regular college students are unlikely to be the case.

The difference between taking on the full force of a hit in the NFL and one in the NHL is very different. First of all, in the NFL, the players are traveling a great deal slower since player must rely on speed produced merely by their feet. Secondly, the players have no obstacles to “be pinned against” other than the ground, or in the old days, perhaps a goal post. And finally, they get to land on turf or grass.

In hockey, the players are traveling a great deal faster from the near frictionless ice and the sharpened blades. Also, there’s the walls. Yes the walls that every bruiser in the NHL looks to pin a poor soul up against. And finally, nothing good can come out of landing on ice. Take a look at these two videos, and you tell me which poor soul you would rather be.

The first is a typical NFL big hit, produced by none other than Sean Taylor.

The second, a hit from a regular hockey player that’s not even a professional:

You be the judge, but I know I would rather die rolling in grass rather than ice.

Anyone who says loyalty doesn’t exist in the NBA any longer is patently false. Sure, there is not as much loyalty between player and team, and vice-versa, as perhaps there were in decades past. However, players still care as much about their teammates as ever before.

Case-in-point, Gilbert Arenas has announced he will not return to the Wizards unless his teammate, Antawn Jamison, is re-signed by the team. Because Antawn will be a Free Agent, and Arenas’s contract gives him the right to opt-out, the two have decided to make a stance for their team (as they have served as co-captains the last few seasons).

While I can’t say that I believe the loyalty will ever be on par with the true camaraderie you see in college basketball, it is a refreshing turn of events to see players defending one another in such a fashion. Perhaps there is hope for the NBA.

It is not too uncommon for a home run to be granted to a player because some stupid fan reached over the fence and caught a ball that would not have made it over. Sure, it happens, but this is the first time I have ever seen a fan deflection cause a home run to be lost.

It appears that the deflection was just slight enough to make a difference between the ball staying in and out of the park - just subtle enough that a home run could not be granted.

That just sucks.

In the entertainment world, telling someone to “Break a Leg” is good luck. In the Horse Racing world, it would be like telling someone to go shoot themselves. Actually, that is exactly what you are telling them to do. In the rest of the sports world - it is somewhere between. (oh yeah - I do not mean this as a social commentary on the ethics of horse euthanasia. It is really just an excuse to show some crazy videos)

Kick Boxer:
Truly one of the most disgusting videos I have ever seen in my life.

American Football:
What happens when your momentum is disrupted so quickly that you cannot keep your legs from spreading?

Faux Wrestling:
Wait, this is just entertainment, right? Yeah, but something tells me 300lb men jumping from ropes onto tight trampolines is asking for trouble.

Rugby:
Come on, you knew this one was coming. Breaking a bone in Rugby is like breaking an egg to make an egg.

Skateboarding:
Do you think 4 2-inch plastic wheels and a half-inch thick board will sustain a 20 foot drop. Yeah, me neither.

Tennis:
Really, tennis? They have injuries in tennis? Apparantly so. And this one ranks up with any of the others above.

Football / Soccer #1:
No comment needed. The next several videos are all soccer and all pain.

Football / Soccer #2:

Football / Soccer #3:

Football / Soccer #4:

I feel that I must weigh in on the Eight Belles tragedy at the Kentucky Derby. Sure, the practice of euthanizing race horses has been going on for centuries and there is not much one can do about it.

From what I have read, healing broken ankles for horses is nearly impossible. The animals have a natural instinct to stand, and healing requires a long period of immobilization and no-weight. (If you haven’t noticed, horses are huge animals standing on ankles not much larger than your own). Additionally, suspending them in air is impossible because the weight of the animal will cause breathing difficulties.

While the process seems abhorrent to me, I am not sure what the alternative is. There is a legitimate question as to whether putting a human on the back of these animals causes undue stress and increases the likelihood of a break - but I would imagine that the life of a race horse that is spent eating the best foods, running on safe, flattened courses under constant doctor supervision counters these additional stresses.

Regardless, I have attached a video of the events unfolding, but I warn you that it is a very sad ordeal to take in.